Operating out of true brokenness…

So in starting up this blog, I was trying to figure out what my first post would be. Along the way, I feel like there have been so many things that God has shown me (the hard way mostly) that I didn’t know where to start, so I thought I would start with some of my most recent experiences.

The past couple of months have been a huge struggle for me personally, and it has impacted me in multiple areas. To provide some background, at the start of this year I made it a point to be more intentional in what I was doing, to become more focused and to really develop things for sustainability…I was in a refining process of learning patience and walking at the speed of God.

Coming out of the summer, I was really excited by what had happened:

– I ran my first Regional Youth Leadership Retreat

– We took our youth group to a Youth Conference in California

– I was able to feed my love of speaking and teaching at different events.

Along the way, I felt like God was preparing me for a new season. There was no timeframe, but just to be ready for what God has in store for me. So, in this time where God was trying to show me patience…

…I decided to actively look for what the new season was and make my own path.

Now, when I say “actively look” and “make my own path”, what I’m really saying is “I stopped waiting on God and started to make decisions based on what I felt was best, and look out!!!! Here I come!!!!”

Along the way, I started to notice things that I felt needed to be taken care of. I worked hard towards trying to fix them, but along the way that came across in an unhealthy manner. Along the way, there was frustration that started to develop. All of a sudden, I started to feel like there were things I had to take care of. There were some instances in which I decided to take some things on, which in turn resulted in me sacrificing my boundaries. I was in an unhealthy place, and making poor decisions because of it.

(I stop here to say that my decisions were not of a ‘moral failure’ or anything drastic like that, but questionable work decisions that I thought were sound at the time but realized later that they weren’t the best)

Along with this, health wise I was working myself into the ground, and this would show up in unhealthy ways as well. All around, I didn’t have much joy in doing anything and I started to feel bitterness and a hardening of my heart.

Needless to say, everything came to a head and in moments of accountability and truth-telling, I hit a place where I wasn’t feeling the best. The next day I was going to my Spiritual Direction cohort, so in the midst of our activities, God was having me confront my actions, feelings, and emotions and dealing with them. Prior to this, my wife had talked to me about how I “missed the mark” in what I was doing.

So while I’m working through all of this (physical, mental, Spiritual), I feel as close to “broken” as I have felt in a long time. While in this place of brokenness, I started to feel worthless. However, I started to notice that as I was in this place I started to hear God clearer than I have in a while. Also, I was given a couple different opportunities to minister to people in a way I haven’t in a while.

So why do I spill my guts out to you and tell you more than you probably wanted to hear?

– Do not mistake “brokenness” for “worthlessness” – Brokenness in Christ is about getting to a place where we realize that our efforts to create our perception of what God wants or what we should be are not always what God wants and it’s a place where the rebuilding can begin. Worthlessness is where Satan wants to take you when you are feeling broken so you take your eyes off of the work God wants to do in you.

– It is possible to outrun God’s plan – it’s no mistake that patience is covered several times in the Bible and is especially evident in the life of Jesus. He waited to hear from the Father before doing, and was not afraid to wait until the next “download”

– Understand that confronting things can be a step towards genuine healing. That’s why ignoring and diverting is easy to do from a temporal standpoint. It’s necessary in the journey to grow in Christ.

So where do I go from here? To be continued…

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